Education Shmeducation

A few weeks ago I spent an evening with a family who also have a daughter adopted from China.  We were chatting about this and that, and I mentioned that I had a baptism to attend the next day.  The mom then proceeded to reminisce about her daughter's baptism, and shared that she had her (Chinese) daughter's baptismal dress made to look like a kimono.  I thought she had misspoke, so I asked, "did you say kimono?"  And yes, she meant to say kimono. 

This is a well-educated family who own a small business.  They are kind, loving, and very welcoming of their hearts and home.  But when it comes to awareness of their daughter's race or interest in her culture - they clearly are on a different page than me.  They take their kids to Epcot every year and visit "China," and bring home traditional Chinese "kimonos" for all the kids to wear.  And I suppose that is all OK (who am I to judge?), but I wonder what their daughter is going to think of her baptismal kimono when she is older? 

This conversation really got me thinking about pre-adoption education.  This family adopted their daughter from China using the same adoption agency that we used.  We went through the same (or at least similar) pre-adoption training.  I assume we were given the same information, as we attended some of the same classes at our agency.  Initially I came away with a high level understanding of what it might mean to be a transracial family.  It was just a start, but the pre-adoption education at the very least clued me in about issues of race, racism and development of racial identity.  The classes also motivated me to learn more - from sources other than my agency.  I'll be the first to admit that the training was NOT exhaustive of all the issue that should be covered, but it at least got me headed in the right direction.

How is it that we sat in the same room, yet heard the information so differently?  And whose responsibility is it to make sure that adoptive parents are really 'getting it?'  And what would an agency do anyway - turn away PAPs who want to adopt a "China doll?"  I can't help but think that there should be a formal exam for pre-adoptive parents that covers the issues that really matter, not just what to pack and what the food will be like in China.  How is it that most pre-adoptive parents adopting from China all seem to know about p*ackmates, the Wh*ite S*wan, and the right meds to take along, but PAPs are not asked to articulate their plan to help their child navigate life as a Chinese kid with white family? 

This issue has been top of mind as we plod along with our adoption from Vietnam.  The agency we were first involved with had few education requirements, if any.  It was yet another clue that something was amiss. 

The agency we ended up using for the adoption has extensive pre-adoption education requirements.  And I have to admit to groaning a little bit when I received a powerpoint presentation and DVD in the mail last week. Along with this presentation was a lengthy list of books and classes that are required prior to referral. I even have to do a couple of book reports.

I tried to stop rolling my eyes and acting like a know-it-all-been-there-done-that-adoptive-parent as I sat down to read the presentation.  And you know what?  I was pleasantly surprised.  Sure there was the requisite information about traveling and orphanage conditions etc., but there was also an entire section on becoming a transracial family.  And much to my surprise, the message of the presentation was right on.  The agency talked about racial identity of transracial adoptees, and how racial identity is formed through meaningful relationships - not books, or dolls, or movies.  Among other things, they encouraged families to evaluate their lifestyle, make friends of color, and seek out positive role models.

So there it is in black type for all PAPs at our agency to read.  Now whose responsibility is it to make sure we all take this seriously?

Comments

[Johnny]

All good points. One of my areas of "mulling" is when a newbie parent blogs, "I could never have imagined parenting could be this HARD".

For a few that I feel comfortable emailing, I've asked them, "But when you read other blogs describing how hard it was....didn't you think it was going to be hard?"

Their answer, "Well, I didn't think it would apply to me!"

Sorry, a little off-message here. My point is that they can read something, but not think any "issues" would apply to them. Cause you know, we're all special.

[carosgram]

I look at my granddaughter and wonder how anyone could ever not notice she is Chinese. It is a fact of her life and she needs to feel good about it. I believe that the only way she will feel good about being Chinese is to be around Chinese people who feel good about themselves. It is not easy when you live in the white world to make friends with people from other cultures and races but it is necessary if you are going to do a TRA. I think agencies should also offer PAP's information about how to make those connections and relationships.

[Debberoo]

Great post, having had a similar experience I do think that some people just block out information that they don't want to have, don't understand, disagree with or are scared by. I do think almost all agencies and HS Social Workers need to do a much better job of leading us horses to the water but I have concluded that they can't make us drink and that actually some of us do a good impression of appearing to be drinking but I guess just don't swallow.

heh! Sorry, sorry, once I started down that "lead a horse to water" I just couldn't seem to get myself to stop! Really good post and your VN agency sound like they have a very good approach.

[Sister Carrie]

Oy. My guess is that they just don't know the word "qipao." I certainly hope they didn't actually have her in a kimono with obi and all. Your agency sounds fantastic! But, as everyone has said, you can't make people take advantage of the resources available to them.

[Amanda]

Great post....our agency was crap on the education front (just another reason I was so grateful for the KLB's and the other fab blogs that I found during our wait).

[ibitoshi]

first time visitor to your blog. I'm an Asian American who knows a few adopted kids in real life and online, and I have seen the effect of being raised by a white family has on them. The best thing I can wish for them, being that they are mostly not going to have Asians in their lives, is that they can get in touch with current Asian culture, especially pop culture through the internet.

Instead of being brainwashed by white-dominated Hollywood and American pop culture, your kids may find that there exist a world where confident and beautiful Asians exist without being portrayed as subservient to white people (as seen on TV, everyday). I've seen many of these adopted kid gained confidence and pride after reclaiming the pop culture that was supposed to be theirs. Had they stayed in China, they would have been listening to singers like Jay Chou, watching TV and movies like Nodame Cantabile and Secrets, and obsessing with entertainers like Rain. Being in a white world where Britney Spears is the idol, and Asians male or female are the exotic walking stereotypes, that is going to be very, very difficult... but there's the magic of internet. I just wish they can find a way to find it on their own, since their family members will probably have zero understanding of that world.

May all Chinese adopted kids out there rise above the racism unbeknownest to their white parents and grow up proud and without self-hate. Given what I have seen, they're going to need a lot of help, but very little real help will be offered, despite their parent's best intentions.